


Overwhelmed

by BakaDoll



Series: Aftg Tumblr Prompts [4]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Drugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neil taking care of Andrew, Prompt Fill, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 05:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14561508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BakaDoll/pseuds/BakaDoll
Summary: Andrew feels overwhelmed by all the new things happening after the championships. He goes back to old coping mechanisms but realises they might not be the best way to deal with his problems.





	Overwhelmed

**Author's Note:**

> A prompt fill for an anon:  
> "I would like to read something (very angsty) that shows Andrew being overwhelmed by all the "happiness" and "quiet" after the end of the third book and start being self-destructive and Neil noticing (happy ending pls)"

Now that Riko was dead, the championship was won and him and Neil were a _thing_ , people always assumed Andrew was ‘happy’.

Not that he was _unhappy_ , but he wouldn’t say he was happy either. Maybe because he forgot what being happy felt like, or maybe because he genuinely wasn’t, even Andrew couldn’t tell. The only thing he knew was that sometimes he felt like he was suffocating.

When he told Bee, she said it was okay for him to feel that way. Tried to reassure him that with all these changes, it wasn’t uncommon to feel unsure about them. Even about Neil. Andrew knew he felt something for Neil, even if he’d never admit it out loud, but he had stopped lying to himself a long time ago. So, to himself he could admit that yes, he felt something and that something wasn’t hate. He liked Neil being around him. He liked Neil’s hands on him, because he knew Neil would always ask for approval first. He liked Neil’s voice and Neil’s hair and Neil’s stupidly pretty grin. He liked when Neil was quiet, but he also liked when he was talking. Hell, he didn’t even mind him going on about Exy for hours.

But sometimes there was this nasty little voice in the back of his head, telling him this wasn’t what he wanted. That Neil, with his affection and his kisses, was overbearing, that he was restricting him, that Andrew bound himself to one single person and now he lost all of his freedom to do whatever he wanted.

Of course, Andrew objectively knew this was stupid, and the voice in the back of his head was just his anxiety talking. But in these moments it was hard to remember objective things.

  
And it wasn’t just Neil. Apparently being with Neil made him more approachable to his teammates, or maybe they tried to play nice with him for Neil’s sake, because suddenly, Matt and Dan and Allison would try to include him in their conversations or invite him to their nights out at the pub down Perimeter Road. On one occasion Allison insisted she needed Andrew to come shopping with her because he was ‘the only one of all of you fuckers who’s got a decent fashion sense - don’t look at me like that, Hemmick, your only advice is to go for the sluttiest outfit, which I usually appreciate but this time I need something actually decent.’

And while Andrew didn’t actually mind it, to his own surprise, most of the times, and he knew it made Neil happy to see his friends make an effort with Andrew, sometimes it was just all too much. Sometimes he wished - and he knew it was fucked up, but he couldn’t help it - that everything would go back to the way it had been. The way he was used to.

Andrew didn’t know how to handle these feelings. He felt overwhelmed and at the same time _guilty_ for feeling overwhelmed. Andrew didn’t even believe in feeling guilty, but here he was, feeling as if he was in the wrong for wanting all of them to take a step back and just let him _breathe_. There were so many new emotions suddenly flaring up in him, Andrew went back to dealing with him them way he knew best. He started to drink more, he started to smoke more, he took crackerdust when they went to Eden’s. Neil’s disappointed expression when he emptied the contents of the little package into his mouth and washed them down with a shot of vodka was burnt into his memory. He tried to wash the image away with liquor, but when he woke up the next morning, hungover for the first time in years and with a disgusting taste of alcohol and vomit in his mouth, Neil’s side of the bed untouched, it was still there. He found Neil in the garden that morning and smoking one of Andrew’s cigarettes. He was still wearing the clothes he wore the night before, smelled of booze and sweat and wore a tired expression. He didn’t say anything about the night, so Andrew didn’t either. Instead, they sat in silence and shared another cigarette.

Things derailed. There was no other way to say it. Andrew didn’t plan for things to get out of hand like this, but when did anything ever go the way he wanted it to?  
Nevertheless, he was angry with himself. There was one promise he had made himself as a teenager and now he broke it. When did he start to break promises? Wasn’t that the one thing he was always good at - keeping promises, no matter what? Maybe that didn’t apply to promises he made himself. Obviously it didn’t, because if it did, he wouldn’t be sitting on the closed toilet of his dorm room in just his sweatpants and an old t-shirt, naked feet cold against the tiles, his armbands discarded on the floor and a bloody razor in his right hand in the middle of the night.

When did it get so bad? _How_ did it get so bad?

A knock on the door startled Andrew so hard, he dropped the razor. He cursed quietly and looked at it, then at the door.

  
“Occupied,” he grunted.

“Andrew, open the door, please.” Neil’s voice was soft and quiet, and if it wasn’t the dead of the night, Andrew probably wouldn’t have been able to hear him.

“Can a man not even take a piss in peace? Leave me alone, Josten.”

“I don’t think you drank enough to take a 30 minute piss, Andrew.” Fuck. Andrew thought Neil slept through him leaving the bed, but then again it wasn’t really a surprise that the boy who was on the run most of his life and who Andrew knew had a very light sleep, would wake up when Andrew left their shared bed to go to the bathroom.

Andrew looked down at his arm. There were only two fresh cuts on it and no new blood coming from the anymore, but it was still smudged with red. After the second cut Andrew asked himself what the fuck he was doing, but couldn’t make himself put the razor away. If he let Neil see this, he’d definitely know that Andrew was going down.

“It’s not locked.”

The door clicked quietly a second later and Neil pushed it open carefully. Andrew could pinpoint the moment Neil noticed the blood on his arm by the way his breath hitched and his hand on the door handle clenched.

“Andrew…” He whispered and closed the door behind himself again. Andrew didn’t respond. He just stared at Neil with empty eyes and let his hands dangle between his thighs.

Neil was quiet for a second, then asked:

  
“Can I come over?”

Andrew’s first instinct was to send Neil away so he could deal with this himself, like he always did.

But maybe the way he always did things wasn’t the best way.

Neil waited until Andrew nodded to make his way over to the bathroom cabinet and retrieve the first aid kit, then knelt down right in front of him. He raised his hands, palms up, in invitation, but didn’t reach for him. He didn’t say anything either, not even when Andrew put his wrist in Neil’s palm. He just quietly tended to the cuts, cleaning the wounds and bandaging them. Andrew would be thankful, if it wasn’t for one thing: Neil didn’t look him in the face either. He was clearly upset - and Andrew couldn’t even hold it against him. Only when he finished and started to tidy up the things around him did he talk again, his eyes still fixed on what he was doing.

“What made you so upset?”

There it was again, the feeling of guilt. Andrew resented it.

“I’m not upset.” He answered.

“So you cut your arms open for fun?” Neil tried hard to keep his voice calm, but Andrew knew him too well to not be able to tell how much effort it took him not to sound as concerned as he was.

“No,” he said. He hoped for Neil to say something, but he didn’t. Instead he just looked up for the first time since he started patching Andrew up, and his eyes looked tired and scared. Andrew barely ever saw this expression on Neil’s face - especially not since after the deaths of his father and Riko. Andrew swallowed. He hated that he was the reason for that expression and he just wanted to wipe it off and put the blinding smile back on it instead. “It’s too much, sometimes. Not having to keep you and Kevin alive. The others trying to be _friends_ with me. A… _relationship_.” Andrew spat the word out like it was something completely foreign - and it was. It was still weird to think that that was what him and Neil had, hearing the others refer to them as boyfriends, knowing that Neil was there and waited for him after a long day and wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to share a bed with him and sleep in his arms. He realised too late - when Neil’s look changed to something hurt and then quickly to a shielded, empty expression - that he could misunderstand his words.

“Oh.” Neil said, “Okay. Why didn’t you say so? I don’t want to force anything on you.”

“No, you idiot,” Andrew huffed and grabbed Neil by the nape of his neck, keeping him from getting up, “That’s not what I meant. It’s–…..Ugh, fuck. I don’t even know what it is. That’s the problem, can’t you see?” Apparently Neil couldn’t, judging by the way he tilted his head to one side ever so slightly. With a frustrated groan Andrew rubbed both hands over his face and dug their heels into his eyes. He hated this. All of it. He hated how he didn’t know how to handle these new things and emotions, he hated that he made Neil hurt, he hated that he cut himself even though he never wanted to do it again and he hated that he couldn’t even tell Neil _why_ he was behaving like this.

After a couple of seconds fingers curled gently around his wrists and pulled his hands away from his face. Andrew opened his eyes and blinked the blurriness away, until he could see Neil’s face clearly. It filled up his vision from how close he was.

“Andrew…” He said softly, “It’s okay. I feel overwhelmed, too, sometimes. It’s a lot, I know. But you need to talk about this, so people can help you. Tell Bee. Or tell me. If you need space, you know I’m happy to give it to you. If you need time to breath, I’ll keep the others away from you, too. Just… Tell me. Don’t do this to yourself. You’re not alone anymore, I’m here.”

Andrew felt relieved. At first, he didn’t understand why, but then he realised that this was exactly what he needed. He needed someone to talk to, to listen to him, someone who understood his struggles. Knowing Neil understood lifted a burden off his shoulders he didn’t notice he was carrying around. Andrew swallowed and clenched his teeth. He didn’t trust his voice not to give away his emotions, so instead of talking, he closed his eyes and let his forehead rest against Neil’s. He heard and felt Neil take a long, deep breath of relief before gently cradling Andrew’s face in his palms.

“I need you to be honest with me from now on, Andrew,” he whispered.

Andrew nodded ever so slightly.

There was a pause in which neither of them said anything, they just stayed like this, foreheads pressed to each other and eyes closed. After what felt like an eternity, Neil asked:

“Are you coming back to bed?”

That night, Andrew slept with Neil in his back, one of his arms curled around Andrew’s waist, the other under his head. He felt his breath in his hair and his heartbeat against his back and for one night, it drowned out Andrew’s thoughts enough to send him into a calm sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to visit me on [my tumblr](http://fox-sleeping-minyard.tumblr.com/) and chat with me! ♥


End file.
